purpose

Firm Steps

I had a bilateral hemilaminectomy in 2018.  No need to look it up, it is a type of back surgery.  Over the years, I experienced minor back pain, and would ice it, stretch, or refrain from the activity that caused the pain.  In 2002, my back seized while I was changing over the laundry, and it took my husband, dad, and grandpa to pick me up off the ground so they could get me to the emergency room.  That had been the worst pain I’d experienced in my life, childbirth withstanding, before July 30, 2018.

I had begun a new exercise routine which included some activities I’d not done before.  I expected to have some sore muscles here and there since I was working out in a different way.  I was feeling really good about myself and what I was accomplishing in class, so when I felt a little discomfort in my back, I just figured I needed to do what I had always done and take it easy.

I did my usual ice and stretch but I wanted to get back to the gym, afraid if I took too much time off, I’d have a hard time getting back into it.  Prior to this, I’d stuck with low impact cardio and yoga classes; modifying moves when needed, but the day I went back, I attended a HIIT class.  There were several stations around the room where you and a partner would take turns completing the specific exercise.  It was during this class when I finally pushed the limit.

I left class that day in major pain but figured I just went back too soon.  The regular remedies barely made a dent on the pain and things like sleeping or getting dressed became very difficult.  I was still keeping my regular schedule, but it was taking me longer to get ready and the pain was slowing me down from completing some of the things that needed to be done.  I figured the doctor would prescribe me pain killers and muscle relaxers, which I couldn’t take if I was going to be driving or teaching and I had a contract to fulfill.  It was truly a point of surrender to call and make the appointment, literally lying on the ground, pulling myself to the bathroom to use the bathtub as leverage to help me get to my feet.

At the visit, my doctor ordered an MRI and unfortunately due to insurance hang ups, it took over a month for it to get scheduled.  I spent that month in such immense pain, unable to find any comfort.  Even when I finally had the MRI, I cried because the pain was so bad while holding still as the images were scanned.  The entire process lasted 6 months, from injury on July 30th to surgery on October 29th and then 90 days of recovery.

The first three months I spent a lot of time crying, feeling like a burden on my family, and that I was letting down the students in my class and the other people who counted on me at my job.  I had no answers, only questions and fear.  The MRI showed severe damage to my L4 and L5, to the point where I was experiencing atrophy and loss of sensation in my foot, which made walking a challenge at times.

The last three months started the day of surgery.  I knew the moment I woke up in the recovery room that the surgery had been a success because the only pain I felt at that point was the pain from the incision; the pain in my back was gone.  As soon as I was discharged from the hospital I was supposed to get up and walk every day, beginning with a quarter of a mile and increasing by another quarter each week.

At the beginning, my steps were slow and measured, and always with the help of others until I was able to feel firm on my feet.  Over time, I became more confident but still cautious.  I thankfully had access to a treadmill, so I was able to continue my recovery on days when there was rain, ice, or snow in the forecast.  Still today, I am mindful of where I step when I walk, how I bend down to clean out the dishwasher or do my laundry, and how I get out of bed in the morning.

The journey of going from severe pain and the possibility of never being able to participate in activities that I love such as hiking or biking, to recovery and now living in a climate that provides me ample opportunities to do those things regularly is a redemption story.  Through the pain, I had to let go and even in the recovery I had to surrender myself so others could take care of me, even to the point of needing someone else to wash my hair for me or to shave my legs.

I say it is redemptive because I came out of a dark situation to walk in the light.  I am changed.  Changed by the pain, the unknown future, the kindness of others, and most of all the desire to not take anything for granted.  I was reminded that life is short, and it is meant to be lived; lived to the fullest with gratitude and humility.  Always allowing God to guide my steps and to stand firm in faith.

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GET CONNECTED DAILY!  Find more reflections and prayers at Making Scripture Relevant on Facebook and Instagram.  Join the Weekly Scripture Journal email list by contacting heather@makingscripturerelevant.com.

Discipleship 5K: A Physical and Spiritual Journey to the Cross by Heather Neds.  It’s more than a book, rather a guide to becoming a stronger disciple through physical and spiritual exercises.  Get your copy and begin the journey!

Very Near to You

Questioning the meaning of life and especially your specific purpose is as common as breathing. It can be daunting to think about what you were called to do. And it can seem like there is a lot of pressure to get it right.

As a child, you might have answered the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up” with ease. That is because as a child the options seem endless, and you can choose to be a doctor or a princess without the understanding the cost of medical school or how few actual princesses there are in the world.

Then in high school, choosing the college and the degree you wanted to graduate with could have been super overwhelming. It is a lot to put on a young person to decide what kind of job or career they want to have for the rest of their life.  So, many base their decisions on the path of least resistance.  Sometimes it means choosing what you think your parents want or whatever sounds interesting at the time.  This is how so many students choose sports marketing and sports related degrees or psychology or sociology because they have an interest in sports or because they are interested in finding out who they are and their role in the world.

However, this is not the same as the questioning the meaning of life or your specific purpose. The meaning of life is spelled out very simply in the scripture as is your specific purpose. Listen to the voice of the one who created you, GOD.  In the first reading (Deuteronomy 30:10-14) and the Gospel (Luke 10:25-37), it is very clear that the meaning of life is to love God and to love others, and when you do this, you are fulfilling your purpose.

The crazy part of it all is when you ask the questions, the answer is always something you have within you or near you.  It’s a lot like the ruby slippers that Dorothy wore in the Wizard of OZ, how she always had the ability to go home, she just didn’t realize the power had been within reach all along. You too have the power within reach.  The realization just doesn’t come at the same time or in the same way for everyone.

It is in the scripture you learn that it is in the Holy Spirit which dwells in you where you can unveil your specific purpose.  It is the connection to who God created you to be that gives you the power to change the world.  And the way to learn this is by paying attention to the specific gifts God has given you to share, the gifts that give you the opportunity to be love to everyone you meet.

But it is not entirely up to you to determine your specific purpose.  It is the role of the community of believers who surround you, those who know you and can help you identify those special gifts that you have been given.  Now of course there are personality tests and career finder tests that you can take to help point you in a specific direction, but God planted the gifts in you as well as a desire for you to achieve it.

Listen.  Watch.  Wait.  And you will know.  Sit with this a while and listen for God to speak clearly into your heart, soul and mind the steps you need to take to fulfill His plan for you.  And if in doubt, ask those around you, those who know you such as your family, teammates/coworkers, mentors, and teachers.  Sometimes it is hard for you to see it since you are so close to it.  So, don’t be afraid to ask others to help you in your search to find your purpose in life and when you do, you will understand the meaning of life and your role in it.

GET CONNECTED DAILY!  Find more reflections and prayers at Making Scripture Relevant on Facebook and Instagram.  Join the Weekly Scripture Journal email list by contacting heather@makingscripturerelevant

Discipleship 5K: A Physical and Spiritual Journey to the Cross by Heather Neds. It’s more than a book, rather a guide to becoming a stronger disciple through physical and spiritual exercises. Get your copy and begin the journey!